Dread the Dark and Dread the Dawn
by thepuppiesinpink
Summary: Here's a response to 2.14. AU after the end of the episode. Title taken from the song "When I'm Gone." C/W: Major Character Death.
1. Chapter 1

Henry looked up and saw people in HAZMAT suits.

It was a dirty bomb. That's the only thing that could mean. There was no other reason for HAZMAT suits. First responders wouldn't have taken the time out of random precaution.

Elizabeth. He had put her in an impossible situation. Depending on the type of radioactivity, he could be dead in minutes. Logically, he knew this. He could leave his wife a widow with three children. All because he had to go back in and try to help.

His mind raced. He saw Elizabeth's panicked face. He saw the kids' tears. They needed him. Henry was scared for himself, too. He didn't want to die. For a moment, he let his mind run wild, panic and fear clenching his insides.

Then a calm washed over him. What had he just told Ali? That sometimes you are called to act. It is better to act and be wrong than it is to stay silent, even if your action is as small as a word. That's why he had come back into the building. He was setting an example for his daughter, and also for himself. There were so many times he should have acted.

With his father - he should have tried harder. He should have reached out. But he didn't.

But today he had chosen the right path. Today he chose action.

And Elizabeth was going to pay the consequences of that. It seemed like Elizabeth always had to pick up the pieces for every international crisis, family crisis, and personal crisis... The buck stopped with her. The president said, "Handle it," and she did.

She would understand. She would love him for it, wouldn't she? Not immediately, of course, but she would know that he had to go back into the building. He got his kids to safety, and then he had to go save more people. That was what their family stood for.

There was no way for him to have known it was a dirty bomb, he reasoned. It was pure chance. He would have taken the same course of action if he had known there was a small chance of it being a dirty bomb. The radiation was a poor hand dealt to him, but it could have been something else. He could have developed a rare complication to a mosquito bite, or some fluke cancer. Anything was possible. But today it was radiation. He was no more susceptible than Elizabeth, and he was no more at fault than she.

But oh, how mad she would be at him. And her anger was justified. How could she lose her husband so young? Before her kids were even out of school?

Henry didn't even know if she could manage without him. Her panic attacks had subsided. She didn't need coddling. She was strong, but she needed her husband. Elizabeth needed the one person she could always talk to. He wasn't interchangeable. He knew her idiosyncrasies. He knew where the tension hid behind her shoulder blade. He even knew that she got emotional every Sunday night because she didn't want to leave him in the morning, but she also wanted to fix the world.

Those two sides warred within Elizabeth; her professionalism, and her family. Only Henry knew how to square the circle. He could help her conceptualize her feelings, and that was the only way she could move forward - once she understood everything. Even if she wanted to leave something unexamined, her mind wouldn't let her.

So, could she go on without him? She wouldn't keel over, he knew. She would continue living, and her heart would continue beating, but she wouldn't be grounded. The floor would drop out from under her, and she would start to drown eventually. She had the kids to take care of, and she would make that the priority. She would probably quit her job, but Henry knew that would make her feel worse without an outlet for her enormous intellectual capacity. She needed him to help her find the balance. Finding the balance was impossible for her. All thanks to Gloria Steinem, but she could never strike quite the right chord. Henry was there to help. When she disappeared into work for too long, he reminded her to come home and eat. When she couldn't face one more day of partisan bickering, he helped her find hope again.

She did the same for him, of course. She made sure she was at Ali's soccer game when he couldn't be, and he went to Ali's parent teacher conference when Elizabeth was at work. There was a give and take that made sure that everything got done. They worked well together.

But without Henry, Elizabeth wouldn't have that give and take. Could she find the balance on her own? Could she pull herself out of her grief by herself?

Henry didn't know. There was no way for him to know. He hoped to God that Elizabeth wouldn't have to try to make it without him.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: So this will probably turn into four or five chapters. I'm adding the content warning of major character death. I'm deviating from the show, so it's AU from here on out. Don't hate me. Or do. Whatever.

* * *

"Ma'am, Henry is at St. Ann's hospital. They're assessing him for radiation poisoning." Blake held the phone against his neck as he spoke to his boss in the bunker.

Elizabeth let out a breath. "Was he in a different car? Why didn't they find him until now?"

"He went back in, ma'am. He went in to help people."

If she hadn't already been sitting down, she would have fainted.

"He... Went back in?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"How bad?" Her breathing was shallow, and her voice sounded airy.

"Don't know yet. They're assessing him now." Blake's face was blank.

"I have to see him. Now. Let's go." Elizabeth started to move.

This time it was her agent who spoke. "You have to stay here until all threats are neutralized. We can't risk it."

She had almost forgotten the entire city was on lockdown.

"Oh." A thought occurred to her. "You have agents with him, right? And the kids?"

"Yes, ma'am. Your family is secure." Frank added more softly, "Just breathe. We're doing everything we can."

Elizabeth knew they were trying. She didn't want to be rude to them. But she needed her husband. She needed to know that she still had her family to ground her while she was dealing with a crisis. If she didn't have her family stable, her entire life would be thrown into chaos.

He had gone back in. Of course he had. He had military training. He knew how to dress wounds and get people out alive. She knew she shouldn't have expected anything else from him. A part of her was proud that her husband had gone back in. That was her man.

But he had been at ground zero of a dirty bomb without any protection.

He could die.

Some time later she was able to get a doctor on the phone. They were slowly getting people out of the bunker, but it wasn't her turn yet.

"Ma'am, your husband is stable for now. He was exposed to a gross amount of radiation. We've done everything we can."

Elizabeth slid down the wall she was leaning against. "What does that mean? Is he...? Will he make it?"

"We've done all we can. He's sedated right now. If he wakes up in a few hours, we'll know more."

"If? You don't think he'll wake up?"

"He should wake up. We'll learn more over the next couple days. There is a window between a couple days and a couple weeks where we'll need to monitor him. But we've removed all of the external radioactive particles, and we've given him medication to help any internal radiation to pass through more quickly. We gave him a transfusion in case his bone marrow was affected, and we're monitoring his immune system. We really are doing everything we can."

This man thought that last sentence was supposed to make her feel better. But Elizabeth worked for the government. All the effort and good intentions in the world wouldn't necessarily get anything done, and she knew it.

"When can I see him?" Elizabeth had to focus to keep the phone steady in her hand.

"He's in isolation. We don't want him exposed to any infections until we know if his immune system has been affected."

This doctor obviously didn't understand what she was saying. "So I'll wear a gown and booties and a mask and gloves and whatever else you want me to wear. I have to see him."

"It's not quite as simple as that, ma'am."

"Yes it is. Put me in a scuba suit. I don't care. I have to see him."

Elizabeth could hear the doctor let out a breath.

"Alright, ma'am. We'll make it happen."

She hung up the phone. Washington was a fickle city. She hated using her authority to get what she wanted, but damn her if she wasn't prepared to call the president to demand this doctor let her see her husband.

* * *

When she was finally able to see her Henry after she had gotten to the hospital, she had trouble deciding to enter his room. He looked normal. She knew how radiation worked - it wasn't something entirely visible. There were burns on his hands, she could see, but he seemed fine. He looked like he was sleeping.

Finally, she got up the courage to go in. Henry stirred slightly when the door opened.

Elizabeth tried to smile, wanting to give him hope. "Hey, baby."

"Come here." His voice was raspy, breathy, and weak.

She walked closer to him. "I'm here. Don't worry. I'm here."

"Are you okay? They take you to the bunker?"

God. Henry was worried about her. He was suffering acute radiation poisoning, and he was worried about her.

"I'm fine, babe. They took me to the bunker. We were all fine. It's you I'm worried about." She held her gloved hand to the side of his face.

"Baby, you need to be ready if I don't make it." Henry's voice was tight.

"Stop. Please. I can't do this right now. Don't send me into another panic attack." She hadn't been meaning to tell him that she had had an attack in the bunker.

Henry's eyes looked at her with reproach. "You just told me you were fine. Panic attacks aren't fine."

"You're in the hospital! I can't make you comfort me! I'm not that selfish. I need you to be hopeful."

"Elizabeth. Breathe through the stress, okay? Don't treat me differently just because you're scared. I'm still here."

She knew Henry was right. Taking a breath, she acknowledged that if she tried to hide herself from him, it wouldn't help either of them.

"I'm sorry. You're right. I had a panic attack. It started when the bomb went off. I tried to evacuate the event before it went off. I knew. But I couldn't get everyone out in time. And then I didn't now where the kids or you were. And then they found the kids... But you. Then they found you... It was too much."

Seeing Henry want to comfort her, she added, "But I'm fine now. You're alive. That's all I need."

"I'm still here, babe. Are you calm enough now? How long has it been? Do you feel like you're going to panic again?"

"I'm fine as long as I'm with you. Just let me relax with you for a while until we talk about anything big. I'll be fine."

Henry sighed. She wasn't making this conversation easier. He knew only he could calm her panic attacks so completely. He was her desire when she was stressed. In Iran, he had been what was inaccessible to her, so when her panic went haywire, she needed to prove to herself that she wasn't in Iran, and her proof was that he was with her.

"Alright, come snuggle. We need to rest." He opened his arms to her, and she settled down in his arms. "Here, can you take off this mask and hat thing?"

"They told me that we shouldn't risk sharing germs since your immune system might be compromised."

"Well, we've shared germs a lot over the years. I don't think you have any germs I don't have by now. And they made you take a shower, anyway, right?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, well, I want to play with your hair, so this ridiculous hat needs to go."

Elizabeth giggled and removed the hat and mask. She nuzzled herself into Henry's side, feeling his soothing presence calm her nerves.

Henry allowed himself to relax and fall into a light sleep. He was still there, but he knew he wouldn't be much longer.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I'm moving this up to a T rating for language. Sorry the writing is so rushed. I realize adjectives exist. I just had to get it out. I've got a couple boring classes tomorrow, and I can probably get another chapter done then.

Also, sorry about killing Henry. Believe me, it pains me, too.

* * *

Elizabeth woke up in Henry's hospital room with his arms wrapped around her. She had hoped this would all be a dream. It wasn't a dream, but at least she was with Henry.

When she sat up, Henry opened his eyes. They needed to have the conversation. She needed time to prepare herself. But he didn't want to do it to her. He didn't want to explain to her how she was going to have to live without him.

There was a knock on the door, the doctor wanted to come in and see them. He entered with a file in hand.

"Glad to see you two together." The doctor smiled down at his patient.

"Do you have any updates?" Elizabeth was ready and hungry for information.

The doctor raised an eyebrow in Henry's direction, and Henry shook his head slightly.

"Well, we ran some tests on Henry's immune system to see how much damage had been done by the radiation. Those results were not good. We found negligible immune activity. It's possible his system is in shock and that activity will pick up again, but it's very unlikely. We can't know exactly how much radiation he was exposed to, but the other patients who were in his vicinity have suffered a lethal dose of radiation. We need to be prepared for end of life issues. I'm so sorry."

Elizabeth didn't know what to do. How was she supposed to respond? There was no response possible. Denial was the only response.

The doctor looked at her stricken face. "I'll give you some time. Have the nurses page me if you have any questions at all. I'm giving you the card of our pastoral counseling service. Feel free to call them if you would like to arrange for religious advising."

With that, the doctor left the room. Elizabeth was surprised at how he could say so little and still completely upend her life.

Henry looked at his wife. She looked so young and vulnerable. She wasn't old by any means, but they were decidedly middle aged, and she was normally anything but vulnerable. And yet here they were.

"Baby?" Henry couldn't tell what she was thinking.

Elizabeth hugged him fiercely, her arms holding his neck so tight he could barely breathe. She was shaking, as if she were sobbing, but no tears came. Henry rubbed her back, trying to comfort her, but knowing there was nothing he could do to make it okay.

He was going to die. The only thing he could do now was try to use the time he had left to help his wife and children with the transition.

But right now, Henry didn't know how to help. He held her close, allowing her to process what she had learned.

"I'm still here, baby. I've got you."

"I don't have anything to say yet. Just... It's a lot to take in." Elizabeth couldn't stop trembling.

"I know. Take your time. We have some time."

"How can you say 'take your time'? I can't take my time! There's no time!" She was getting very worked up.

"Elizabeth. Stop. Freaking out isn't going to help." Henry put a stop to her anger. He pushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear.

She deflated, falling against his chest, hiding her face in his shirt. Still, no tears would come, but Henry's hand held her to him, trying to still her shaking.

"We do have some time, okay? I know it's not enough time. But we have at least a few days. This isn't a 24 hours to live thing."

She smiled. They had always made fun of such clichés.

"Okay. Sorry I freaked out." Elizabeth didn't want to spend any of his remaining time being angry or fearful.

"It's okay. This is going to be an emotional roller coaster. We need to just acknowledge that."

"I don't want to waste time. Not when we only have a few days."

"I know. But you know how repressing things doesn't help. I'm still here for now. I want to help you with what I can. I need to know I've done all I can for you."

She kissed him, holding his face tenderly, still lying practically on top of him in his hospital bed. "You're so amazing, you know that?"

Henry smiled. "I guess I do."

"But Henry... How are you okay with just... How are you okay with this?" Elizabeth didn't understand how her husband had come to terms with it so quickly.

"I know it's scary, baby. It's scary. But it doesn't change anything. I mean, it changes everything... Let me start over." Henry took a breath. "Okay. When we got married, I had three goals. I wanted to engage mentally with great religious minds, I wanted to honor you and our marriage, and I wanted to raise beautiful children who would know how much we loved them. I have done all of those things. I know I've done my best in pretty much every situation, given the circumstances. That's all I could do. And now, what I can do is make sure you and the kids are going to be alright."

"Oh god… The kids. What am I going to tell them? I can't tell them this. Henry, I can't… They can't. I can't do this." Her words sounded hollow. Her eyes remained dry.

"Yes, you can. You don't have to tell them anything. I'll tell them, okay? I'll talk to them. But we don't have to do that immediately. Are they at home now?"

"Yeah. I think so. They were cleared out of the hospital, and I think the detail took them home."

"Okay. Well, when you've got your bearings, we'll have them come over."

"Why are you the one who is put together when…?"

"When I'm the one dying?"

"Don't say that." This conversation was just too emotionally distressing for Elizabeth to handle. It was too much for anyone.

"It's the truth, honey. I get that it'll take a while to accept, but it's real."

"Even so… How are you so fucking fine with it?" She was deeply annoyed that he appeared to be taking this likely. Her world had no light left in it, and he didn't seem concerned at all.

"Moving into anger, are you?"

"Henry, I swear to God…" Maybe he had a point.

"Babe, I've studied religion for how many years now? This is all we talk about practically. I've made my peace with the world. The only unfinished business I have is with you."

"What do you mean?" Elizabeth was confused.

"I mean I need you to be able to move on. Not right now. Not next week or next month. But I need you to be able to find happiness again."

"There's no way." She was positive that there was no way for her life to ever be the same.

"It'll be different. I know. But you can't wall yourself off. I know you. You're going to try to throw yourself into work, and then you're going to break down eventually, and I'm not going to be there to help you find your way again."

"Then tell me what to do if you're so smart." It seemed that Henry was being awfully condescending.

He gave her a hard look. After a few seconds, his eyes moved to the window in his room. "I don't know what to tell you. I don't have that answer worked out for you. I don't think I can tell you what to do. You're gonna have to figure it out, though."

"I can't take this conversation anymore. This is ridiculous. Stop patronizing me. I need some space. I'll be back." She got up quickly, leaving the room. Her thoughts were disjointed. They lacked the forward momentum that usually propelled her mind.

Leaving the hospital, she went to check on the kids.

* * *

They were sitting together on the sofa glued to the television. When she walked in the door, they descended upon her in a flurry of hugs and kisses.

"Is everything okay?" "Where's Dad?" "What was the bunker like?" "Is Dad going to be okay?" "Are there missiles in the bunker?" "Why did they bomb us?"

In spite of everything, Elizabeth smiled. Leave it to Jason to ask about the bunker having missiles. Taking a breath, she reminded herself that that conversation was a little less pressing.

"Your dad is in the hospital. We're going to go see him in a few minutes. He's awake and talking. Pack a bag with a change of clothes and your phone chargers then meet down here in ten minutes."

Stevie ushered Jason upstairs. Ali stayed downstairs, looking at the floor. "Is Dad really okay? Did he get caught in the radiation?"

"We'll answer all your questions once we get to the hospital. Promise. Just get your stuff for now."

"Okay, Mom." With that, Ali went upstairs to pack her bag.

* * *

 _I didn't know today would be our last  
_ _Or that I'd have to say goodbye to you so fast  
_ _I'm so numb, I can't feel anymore  
_ _Prayin' you'd just walk back through that door  
_ _And tell me that I was only dreamin'  
_ _You're not really gone as long as I believe_

 _\- Jealous of the Angels, Jenn Bostic_


	4. Chapter 4

The McCord family entered the hospital. Elizabeth and the kids walked along Henry's floor towards his room. A nurse stopped them before they could go in.

"You all are going to need to wear protective clothing, and only one guest at a time."

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. Her husband was dying. What did it matter if he was exposed to germs now?

"Thank you for your concern. We will take that under advisement." With that, she brushed right past the nurse.

The nurse didn't know what to do. The Secretary had acknowledged her warning, but chosen to ignore it. Standing in confusion, she allowed the woman and her children to pass.

"Dad!" With one voice, the children greeted their father.

"Hey guys. I love you. It's so good to see you. Thanks for coming."

Stevie sat on the bed by his hip. "Of course we came. When do you get to come home? How much radiation did you get?"

Henry glanced at his wife. He knew she didn't want to have this conversation, but they had to do it at some point.

"We need to talk to you about that, actually."

* * *

Following their conversation, Elizabeth sat slumped in a chair in the corner of the room. She was staring out the window. She wanted to cry, but the tears still refused to come.

Stevie had taken Jason outside. He needed to shout and rage against the world. Stevie needed a chance to cry without everyone watching her. Allison had stayed behind, trying to let her father soothe her tears.

"Dad, I didn't mean it when I called you a saint."

"This isn't your fault, Ali. I don't want you to blame yourself. I'm still not a saint. I've still made mistakes. This doesn't change that."

Elizabeth looked up from her seat. Ali had called Henry a saint? What a typical McCord insult.

Allison looked down at her dad. "But... Who's going to make me be a good person? I still need you."

"I don't make you be a good person, kiddo. I just let you know when you need to think about what you're doing. And your mom will do that, too. She and I had a conversation about the bullying website. We do talk about you, you know?"

Ali rolled her eyes. Of course her parents had discussed the website. "But Mom doesn't have good quotes like you do."

"Maybe not, but she has good stories." Henry looked up to Elizabeth and held his hand out to her. She got up and walked to sit on the bed with her daughter.

"I don't want you to worry, Noodle. I'm going to make sure you're okay. We're going to stick together." She ran a hand through Allison's hair.

"I know Mom, but I need my dad."

"I know you do. We're just going to have to do the best we can."

"I'm going to go find Stevie and Jason." Allison didn't know what else to say. She felt pressured to say something, but she didn't know what she was supposed to say.

Henry held Elizabeth's hand, and pulled her down to lean against him. "What are you thinking?"

"Nothing. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel. I'm just so sad. We were supposed to have more time. We were supposed to grow old together. Retirement... What will my retirement look like now?"

"I don't know, baby. I just want to make sure that you're prepared. This isn't what we planned, but you can still do good things."

"But what does it matter if you aren't with me?"

* * *

The next few days saw a steady stream of family, friends, and a few officials come by to say goodbye to Henry. He was getting weaker by the hour. His hair fell out, and his hands started shaking so bad that he couldn't sign his name. When he started losing his sight, the doctors told them that he likely only had a day or so left.

"Elizabeth?"

"I'm here, baby."

He couldn't see where she was, and adapting so quickly to life without vision was difficult. Impossible, even.

"I wish I could look at you." Henry was getting tearful.

"You are looking at me. You know what I look like. Here." She took his hand in hers and guided it to her face, letting him feel her cheek, her chin, her nose, and her hair. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying right here."

"Did you tell the kids to go home?" Henry knew his kids weren't in the room, but keeping track of details was getting tough.

"Yeah, I think we only have a few hours left. They're going to come say goodbye in a while, but I don't want to prolong it for them." Asking her children to stay at home had been extremely difficult, but she didn't want her kids to remember their dad this way. Extra time dwelling on the amount of pain he was in wouldn't help.

"That's probably best. I'm not much to look at now." Sorrow laced his voice.

"You're still the best looking man I've ever seen." In her eyes, he was as gorgeous as Cary Grant ever had been.

"You're biased."

"Yeah." Elizabeth acknowledged.

Henry couldn't hold his tears back anymore. "I'm so sorry I went in. I shouldn't have done it. I should have thought about you. I'm sorry I'm leaving you all alone. I just can't... I never meant to leave you."

Elizabeth held his head in her hands, "Henry, you did the right thing. You stood up for what you believe in. I'm so proud of you. I don't know how I'm going to live without you, but I'm so proud of you. I'm not mad at you, baby. I'm just sad to live without you."

"But you're going to be okay?" With tears streaming down his face, this was what he needed to know.

"I don't know." She sighed. "I'll take care of the kids, but I don't know if anything else matters."

"You have to do something to keep your mind occupied. You'll go stir-crazy. I know you."

"No one else knows me as well. I'm scared." She couldn't look him in the eye anymore, but Henry couldn't tell without his vision.

"I'm scared, too." With that admission, Henry finally allowed himself to lean on his wife for comfort. All the religious theology in the world couldn't prepare him for the unknown. It couldn't prepare him for the pain of leaving Elizabeth. He didn't want to be alone.

* * *

 _A bright sunrise will contradict the heavy fog that weighs you down  
_ _In spite of all the funeral songs, the birds will make their joyful sounds  
_ _You'll wonder why the Earth still moves.  
_ _You'll wonder how you'll carry on.  
_ _But you'll be okay on that first day when I'm gone_

 _-When I'm Gone, Joey + Rory_

* * *

Henry could tell he was floating between life and death. His breaths were labored as his lungs filled with fluid. He was increasingly jaundiced as his kidneys shut down. He still couldn't see anything, and he could tell his thoughts were slowing down. He wanted to offer some enduring words of wisdom to his children when they came to say goodbye, but he didn't have the energy to find his brilliance. His life and passion were waning. All he could tell them was he loved them. He told them to remember the good things he said, not the harsh things. He wanted them to know that his love was what meant most to him now, not their mistakes and his criticism.

The kids left for home after saying their goodbyes, Henry's family having come up to help take care of things. Elizabeth stayed. This was how they wanted it. Just the two of them, facing down the darkness.

"Baby, it's time." Henry rasped. Elizabeth lay against him in bed, her arm lying across his chest.

"Please don't go. Please don't leave me. I need you." She wasn't ready.

"I know you do. But this is how it is. I love you more than anything."

"I love you, too. At least you won't be in pain anymore."

Henry smiled. Over the sound of machines beeping and whirring, his wife still saw him as a person.

"You're going to be okay. If you remember how much I love you. If you believe in yourself like I do. Don't forget me. I won't leave you. I'll still be with you as long as you don't forget me."

Tears finally started to fall from Elizabeth's eyes, landing on Henry's chest. In this last moment, she was at last able to grieve.

"I'll never forget you Henry. I won't let the kids forget you." Elizabeth wanted to reassure her husband.

"That's all I ever wanted, babe. I only ever wanted to be worthy of your love."

She looked up, "You never needed to prove your worth to me. I could see it in you from the first time we met. You have so much life in you. I only ever wanted to be a part of that life."

"You were my life, babe. Of all the things, I'm the most proud of you. I'm the most proud of my relationship with you." He took a breath, and felt how little air it gave him. "I need to go. Be kind to yourself. Let yourself feel. Don't hide from it. Remember how strong you are, and don't be afraid to lean on your friends."

"Kiss me one more time."

They kissed. Henry's lungs didn't have any air left in them, but the sensation wasn't that different from their usual kisses. She always took his breath away. They used kisses to check in with each other, to make sure the other was okay. This was the last check in. They both wanted the other to be okay. This kiss was a send off into the unknown. Henry was going somewhere he had only theorized about, and Elizabeth was going into the world, but without the knowledge that someone understood and loved her. Their tears mingled together, their pain becoming one as the monitors around Henry stopped beeping.

Elizabeth could feel Henry's body go weak and his face go slack. A nurse entered the room to quietly stand beside the door. She took no notice. Silent sobs overtook her body as she clutched the body of the man she loved for more years than she hadn't. He had loved her for more years now than her parents had.

She knew she was going to make mistakes. But Henry had taught her. He taught her to love the world. He taught her to love her children. Most importantly, he taught her to love herself and trust her own judgment. It wasn't that she didn't know how to love before she had known Henry. It was that he had allowed her to access a level of love within herself that she knew she would never have found on her own. That was the legacy Henry had given her.

After a few minutes, her sobs began to soften. She wiped her eyes, placed a kiss on Henry's forehead, gripped his hand one last time, and then left the room.

It was over.

* * *

 _Dusk will come with fireflies and Whippoorwill and crickets call.  
_ _And every star will take its place in silvery gown and purple shawl  
_ _You'll lie down in our big bed  
_ _Dread the dark and dread the dawn.  
_ _But you'll be alright on that first night when I'm gone.  
_ _You will reach for me in vain, you'll be whispering my name  
_ _As if sorrow were your friend in this world so alien  
_ _But life will call with daffodils and morning glorious blue skies.  
_ _You'll think of me - some memory, and softly smile to your surprise.  
_ _And even though you love me still, you will know where you belong.  
_ _Just give it time  
_ _We'll both be fine when I'm gone._

 _-When I'm Gone, Joey + Rory_


	5. Chapter 5

_There will be another angel  
_ _Around the throne tonight  
_ _Your love lives on inside of me,  
_ _And I will hold on tight  
_ _It's not my place to question,  
_ _Only God knows why  
_ _I'm just jealous of the angels  
_ _Around the throne tonight  
_ _-Jealous of the Angels, Jenn Bostic_

* * *

Elizabeth walked through the house. She didn't know what her next step would be. She wanted to honor her husband in some tangible way. The funeral would be in a couple days, but she didn't know if that was enough. It didn't seem that anything, planting a tree, making a scrapbook, writing a poem, could honor all that her husband had been. She wanted to honor the love that was still very real, but she didn't know how.

For now, she wandered.

* * *

 _You always made my troubles feel so small  
_ _And you were always there to catch me when I'd fall  
_ _In a world where heroes come and go  
_ _Well God just took the only one I know  
_ _So I'll hold you as close as I can  
_ _Longing for the day, when I see your face again  
_ _But until then  
_ _-Jealous of the Angels, Jenn Bostic_

* * *

At the funeral, Elizabeth only read the remarks prepared for her. They were sweet, heartfelt, but they weren't hers. The children seemed to take it well. At least, a well as could be hoped. They cried a lot, but they comforted each other well. Henry's family did a good job of trying to include her in their conversations. They were doing the best they could to make sure she had support. Even so, Blake and Nadine seemed to be the only people who could understand where her mind was at any given moment.

Elizabeth needed to find a way to remember and honor all that Henry had given her. A eulogy would never be able to encompass what she needed to do. It wasn't her way. It might have been Henry's way, but it wasn't hers.

Her hero had died. He made her want to be a better person, and she had to find a way to believe that his spirit could live on.

* * *

 _He said I'll call you Hon when I get there,  
_ _Ten minutes later he was in the air,  
_ _She dropped the kids at school and headed home,  
_ _Walked in and turned the front room TV on  
_ _She could tell that there was something wrong,  
_ _Every channel had the same thing on,  
_ _Now seven years have come and gone away,  
_ _But she's still hurting like its yesterday  
_ _-To Say Goodbye, Joey + Rory_

* * *

A couple weeks went by. Elizabeth managed the State Department with the help of Nadine. She was slower to smile, but she hadn't entirely lost her vitality. Nights were the most difficult. She made it a priority to be home for the kids every night. They often had their own activities to do, but her presence was still very necessary. That left her often alone in the house, with only memories of Henry to keep her company.

He had been larger than life. His joy, his ethics, his bravery, his love... All of him. He had died a hero.

Elizabeth wandered through the kids' rooms gathering up laundry. When she stopped in Jason's room, she noticed his collection of superhero action figures. Her eye was caught by a model of Superman that looked so much like Henry, it took her breath away. Eventually, she went back to picking up laundry, but her mind was captivated by the almost mythical fantasy of the action figure.

* * *

' _Cuz she wants to put her arms around his neck,  
_ _and look in his eyes so blue,  
_ _and say Honey I don't regret,  
_ _A single day I spent with you,  
_ _She wants to tell him that she loves him so,  
_ _and will until the day she dies,  
_ _It ain't that she can't let him go,  
_ _She just wants to say goodbye  
_ _-To Say Goodbye, Joey + Rory_

* * *

One Saturday morning about a month after Henry's death, Elizabeth walked into her son's room.

"Jason, let's go shopping."

"I don't need anything. Why support a capitalist autocracy when there is no need?"

"I want to go to the comic book store."

"Okay, I'm in."

They walked into the comic store. Jason was in his element. He already knew all the staff. Elizabeth didn't know what any of it was, but she found the section with Superman merchandise.

"Mom, why are you so into comics all of a sudden?" Jason was confused. His mom was eclectic, sure, but she had never shown much interest in superheros.

"Because Superman reminds me of your dad. What do you think about starting a collection?"

"Really? You wan to learn about comics?"

"I do. We can go to the comic gathering."

"It's called Comicon..." Jason refrained from rolling his eyes.

"Well, we'll go to it. And you can teach me about all your favorites."

"There's this really great web comic out about Superman. I'll show it to you." He was getting excited.

They picked out a few figurines and books to keep them busy for a while. Jason was so motivated and enthusiastic; it gave Elizabeth hope that they could connect. Henry lived on in Jason's passion for science fiction, conspiracy theories, and superheroes. For Elizabeth, Henry lived on in the unfailing morals, bravery, and protection of Superman.

* * *

 _Twelve months later..._

* * *

"Okay, Blake, I'm leaving early. I'm taking Jason to go see the new Marvel movie."

"Have a good time, ma'am. Be sure to stay after the end credits."

"I wasn't born yesterday, Blake."

He smiled. This hobby had really helped her find herself again, and she took pride in her knowledge of trivia.

Now, instead of her breath catching every time she saw Superman, she smiled. She remembered a man who told her she was valuable. She remembered a man who was one of the most respected religious scholars of the day. She remembered a man who had given his children a strong moral center that had endured and would continue to endure long after his death.

She knew Henry had wanted to do many more things with his life, but he had accomplished everything he set out to do on their wedding day. That thought made her smile. In his short life, he had lived fully. He had seen the world, met important people, and accomplished so much.

And he was hers. Now more than ever. Since he wasn't there to assert himself, Elizabeth was in charge of making sure he was remembered for his greatness and goodness.

Connecting with Jason was one way she was able to honor and continue Henry's legacy.

Henry was always hers. Her memories of him were her most cherished possessions. She had taken to writing down all of her memories of Henry so that she wouldn't lose them as she aged. He was still able to be a balm to soothe the burns life gave her.

She managed on her own, but not really on her own, not truly. Henry hadn't known if she would be able to make it without him, and she was glad she would never have to find out.

* * *

 _Singin' hallelujah  
_ _Hallelujah  
_ _Hallelujah  
_ _I'm just jealous of the angels  
_ _Around the throne  
_ _Tonight  
_ _-Jealous of the Angels, Jenn Bostic_

* * *

She still missed him, almost beyond belief. But she had found a way to live her life between two worlds. She lived in a liminal space. Her connection to Henry had not diminished when he died. She kept him alive in her heart. She remembered the way he held her when she was tired, scared, or sad. She also remembered the way he held her when they danced and made love.

He still held her heart safe. Only because she wouldn't let his legacy die.

* * *

 _In your arms I can still feel the way you  
_ _Want me when you hold me  
_ _I can still hear the words you whispered  
_ _When you told me  
_ _I can stay right here forever in your arms_

 _In your heart I can still hear  
_ _A beat for every time you kiss me  
_ _And when we're apart,  
_ _I know how much you miss me  
_ _I can feel your love for me in your heart_

 _In your eyes  
_ _I can still see the look of the one who really loves me  
_ _The one who wouldn't put anything  
_ _Else in the world above me  
_ _I can still see love for me in your eyes  
_ _I still see the love_

 _And there ain't no way  
_ _I'm lettin' you go now  
_ _And there ain't no way  
_ _And there ain't no how  
_ _I'll never see that day_

 _Cause I'm keeping you  
_ _Forever and for always  
_ _We will be together all of our days  
_ _Want to wake up every  
_ _Morning to your sweet face, always_

 _I'm keeping you  
_ _Forever and for always  
_ _We will be together all of our days  
_ _Want to wake up every  
_ _Morning to your sweet face,_

 _I'm keeping you forever and for always  
_ _I'm keeping you forever  
_ _Yes I'm keeping you baby  
_ _Forever is in your arms  
_ _-Forever and For Always, Shania Twain_


End file.
